Airlinese
May 16th 2011, 16:57 by R.L.G. | AIR TRAVEL HELL
IT’S boring to say that airline travel has become a nightmare. From shedding belt and shoes at security, to being told to put your hands by your ears like a grand-theft-auto suspect so someone can evaluate what you look like under your clothes, to the watery four-dollar coffee with non-dairy creamer, to the ever-shrinking services offered by the carriers at ever-higher prices, no frequent air traveller needs reminding that flying today is less fun than most bus travel, and not always faster.
But when inevitable things go wrong and make the experience even worse, the airlines can do one big thing to help themselves in my affections: speak like human beings to the miserable customers. I’m stuck right now at the wrong airport due to a “ground stop”; the way this information was relayed, I had no idea what it meant or which airport was affected. As I shuffled off the plane I’d just boarded with my fellow sufferers I asked the pilot, “does that mean the weather at LaGuardia means we can’t land?” “Yeah, zero visibility.” Why hadn’t they just said that?
In general, flying is filled with phrases you’ll never hear anywhere else. You must “deplane”, not just leave the airplane. In a theatre you’re asked to switch your mobile phone off; on an American airline you’re told to put all electronic devices "in the off position”, whatever that is. Carry-on suitcases with wheels apparently became "rollerboards" "roll-aboards" in the mouths of the airline staff at some point. Many of the instructions seem replete with extra verbiage: seats and tray tables in "the full upright and locked position". Flights that are not just full but completely full.
Finally, one last thing about airlinese: the weird intonation that makes flight attendants stress every auxiliary verb: “This is a completely full flight, so we do ask you to keep your bags beneath your seats. Federal regulations do prohibit smoking on all flights and you are asked to please not smoke in the lavatories. All electronic items must now be switched off as we have closed the doors and are preparing to taxi.” It’s weird. I notice when flight attendants don’t do this, and I appreciate it, because I hear a real human at the other end of the curly wire.
Most professions (including journalism) have insider language that has a social value for its users. Lawyers, consultants, athletes and others are no different. But anyone dealing with the public (especially when giving them bad news like a ground stop) is well advised to put aside the jargon. It makes you look not professional, but aloof and clueless about what your customers are going through.
Source: http://www.economist.com/blogs/johnson/2011/05/insider_language
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